Pff, Who Needs Unit Tests? A Manifesto for the Brave

Let’s be honest: unit tests are just the training wheels of software development, and real developers ride their code downhill-no brakes, no helmet, straight into production. Why waste precious time writing tests when you could be shipping features at breakneck speed? If your code compiles, that’s basically a guarantee it works. After all, the best QA is a user with a deadline and a penchant for clicking buttons in ways you never imagined.

Why bother with test-driven development when you can embrace the far more exciting world of bug-driven debugging? Nothing quite matches the adrenaline rush of deploying on Friday afternoon, only to discover on Monday that your “quick fix” has transformed the login page into a portal for existential dread. Sure, some say unit tests catch bugs early, but where’s the fun in that? Debugging in production is the ultimate team-building exercise. It’s like an escape room, except the room is on fire and the clues are stack traces in a language you barely remember writing.

Those who advocate for unit tests will tell you they prevent regressions and make code maintenance easier. But who wants easy maintenance? Real programmers live for the thrill of tracing a bug through 17 layers of abstraction at 4:30 AM, running on nothing but caffeine and the faint hope that “it works on my machine” still counts as a solution. Every untested function is an adventure, a Schrödinger’s bug waiting to be discovered by the next unlucky soul who dares to refactor.

And let’s not forget the joy of writing tests that test nothing at all. Why assert actual behavior when you can just check that the function returns something-anything!-and call it a day? Or better yet, skip the tests entirely and let your codebase become a living, breathing monument to optimism. If users find a bug, just tell them it’s a feature. After all, nature’s apex predator doesn’t write unit tests; it ships code and lets natural selection sort it out.

So next time someone suggests writing unit tests, just smile knowingly and say, “Pff, who needs unit tests?” Then deploy to production and watch the chaos unfold. Because in the end, the only thing more satisfying than perfect code is the story you’ll tell about how you fixed it-eventually.